50 Shades of Jay

Posted by Jason Ferruggia

Screen Shot 2013-01-08 at 9.39.08 AMI wrote this list back when Shades of Grey came out but completely forgot about it for some reason.

Today seemed like as a good a day as any to post it. So here are some useless, trivial facts about the dude behind this here blog you’re reading.

1) I only puke two to three times a decade. When I do it’s like a scene from the Exorcist.

2) There are very few things I find funnier than watching someone else puke, though. I’m literally in uncontrollable hysterics.

3) I’m almost never in a bad mood.

4) I can’t watch game that’s not in real time. Like if someone is running late and the person whose house we’re at says, “That’s fine, we’ll just start the game in 20 minutes when you get here.” START THE GAME?! It already started! Like Mike Singletary, “Can’t do it.”

5) I get a great laugh every time I see a guy walking around carrying a gallon of water. If the water is pink I’m on the floor.

6) I can’t grow a decent beard to save my life. This saddens me deeply.

7) Whenever I train in a public gym on the road somewhere I just try all the machines. Shhh… Don’t tell anyone.

8) Anything spicier than ketchup makes me pour sweat and gets my nose running like a faucet.

9) I get over things in two seconds. Like if you walked into my living room and shit on the couch I’d be pissed for a minute but then probably just talk to you about your digestive health issues and order a new couch.

10) My favorite Golden Girl was Sophia.

11) I never ask someone, “Didn’t you get my text?” Of course they did. They just didn’t care to reply and I can totally relate and am completely fine with that.

12) I physically can’t be around negativity or toxic people. It literally causes me to start squirming and sweating.

13) Although I am bald as a cue ball now, I had a high top fade back in ’89 that you could stick a pick in. MC Serch and I were the only two white dudes to pull it off. Don’t try it.

14) I’ve never played a single game of beer pong or any other similar game white kids play in college. Although I did play that one where you throw the beanbag into the hole last year for the first time. Not bad.

15) Ever since I turned 30 my New Year’s resolution has always been the same- to stop peeing in pools. This year’s the year. I can feel it.

16) There was a 1-2 year period where every time we left a bar or club in New York my friend Mike and I would start sprinting as fast as we could down the sidewalk. For no reason at all. Just to admire our unbridled, potentially gold medal winning speed.

17) I can recite every line to Christmas Vacation, every episode of Seinfeld and every Jerky Boys skit.

18) I’m a big fan of bro hugs.

19) I don’t believe in explaining why a call got dropped. “Sorry dude, I don’t know what’s up with the reception around here.” Pick up right where we left off, with no explanation, please, for the love of all things good. I live and breathe. I understand that phones cut out. The last thing I need is an apology and explanation.

20) Along the same lines if someone says “what” more than twice during a phone conversation I’ve lost interest. Them- “what?” Me- “Alright dude I’ll talk to you later.

21) I determine whom I will speak to on the phone by that person’s willingness to hang up with only a second’s notice. If I’m walking down the street and in mid conversation, as soon as I get to where I’m going I’m hanging up.

Them- “So I get back to Rosario Dawson’s place and as soon as we get in the door she-“

Me- “I’m at the restaurant, I’ll call you later, bye.”

Many of my friends do the same thing and I absolutely love it.

It takes the stress out of picking up the phone.

22) If I were stranded on a desert island the album I’d bring would be Vs by Pearl Jam; my favorite band that I’ve seen live a few dozen times.

23) I’ve had my car stolen three times. Seriously?! Who has their ride jacked that often?

24) White sneakers always give me a good chuckle.

25) In college I once outran cops and attack dogs on a wild chase through the woods. I didn’t do anything to warrant the chase but the kids I was with starting running when they saw five-oh so I took off too. Fueled by a dozen red bull and vodkas I’m capable of many superhuman feats.

26) My cell phone has never seen the light of day at a dinner table. And when others bring theirs out I kinda wish I had Triple H’s sledgehammer for a second.

27) I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking a protein shake in public. A man’s gotta have his limits.

28) I don’t believe in doing shit you hate.

29) Throughout most of my teens and twenties my way of breaking up with girls was not calling them anymore. Seemed to work okay.

30) I hate talking to people in other rooms or other floors. Either we get within close proximity of each other or I’m not partaking in this conversation.

31) Every time I fall asleep in public I wake myself my taking a huge bite out of the sandwich I was dreaming about. The odd looks this draws are always entertaining. Does anyone have some type of psychological explanation for this? Because I’m baffled by it.

32) I once fell off a roof a twenty-foot high roof in Scotland and a similar height rock while bouldering. I came out completely unscathed, which is quite odd for a guy as injury prone as Grant Hill + Reggie Bush times ten.

33) I think almost everything is funny and joke around most of the day.

34) Every time I see a big ass I still say “word,” out of respect to Eazy E.

35) One of my greatest fears in life is walking into a gym locker room and seeing an 80 year old guy blow drying his sack. Happens every time.

36) Another one is when I’m shopping for clothes, which is stressful enough, and the salesperson comes up and asks if they can help me find a size. If I found my way from my front door to the store I’m sure I could find the right t-shirt in this stack.

37) If anyone knows more lyrics to old school hip songs than I do I’ve yet to meet them.

38) I loath loose neck t-shirts and refuse to wear them. That shit is weak.

39) I go out of my way to make eye contact with and say hi to everyone I cross paths with. “We are living in a society here!

40) I get REALLY into new songs I like and play them a thousand times a week for a month straight.

41) In grade school I settled many a dispute by breaking on a flat piece of cardboard. I also did that this morning when the waiter charged me too much for eggs.

42) I’m a big time foodie and would rather not eat than dine at a mediocre restaurant like Friday’s.

43) I believe that you are in 100% control of your income, your happiness, your success or failure in life.

44) I like really getting to know people. This often results in the awkward stage of being scared to ask my buddy the waiter to bring my food, the cleaning lady to clean the house or the gas station attendant to check my oil.

45) To this day I can’t meet a guy named Daniel without calling him “Daniel-San.”

46) I think we should have manners and etiquette classes all throughout grade school. A lot of people are lacking in this department.

47) My favorite compliment I ever got is that I think everything is “the best ever.” Like the best burger ever, the best concert ever, etc. I do get really into things.

48) I can’t relate to or understand people with no passion. How can you not be REALLY into at least one or two things? Like the Ultimate Warrior said, “My passion is fucking passion.

49) I always close doors, cabinets and drawers as quietly as possible. It’s a weird thing that dates back to childhood. I’m out there.

50) On my gravestone it will say, “I’m dead? Well, this sucks…”